


You're a Part of Everything

by thesaddestboner



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Bad Ideas, Crack, F/M, Gen, Homophobic Language, Idiot manchildren, Internalized Homophobia, Jossed, Mpreg, Not!Fic, Sexist Language, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 22:19:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/715726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaddestboner/pseuds/thesaddestboner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Dude, do I look fat in these jeans?”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're a Part of Everything

**Author's Note:**

> Haha, this was going to be my submission for [](http://spn_j2_bigbang.livejournal.com/profile)[**spn_j2_ bigbang**](http://spn_j2_bigbang.livejournal.com/) a few years ago, but I thought better of it. I don't even _like_ mpreg. And then I got Jossed by the S4 finale. 
> 
> Please forgive the obvious lack of knowledge about what goes on during a TV shoot and the vague dismissive handwaving done with regards to certain biological improbabilities.
> 
> Title from "You Are a Part of Everything," by Josh Kelley.
> 
> Utter ridiculous crack.
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/thesaddestboner) and [tumblr](http://saddestboner.tumblr.com).

“Dude, do I look fat in these jeans?”

Jared looked up from the script he—and Jensen, for that matter—were supposed to be going over and got an eyeful of Jensen’s blue-jean-clad ass. “Get your ass out of my face,” Jared groaned, raising a hand to shield his eyes.

Jensen tugged at the denim jacket he was wearing—bloodstained after Dean Winchester’s latest bout with the supernatural—but apparently it didn’t cover as much as he was hoping. Jared dropped his hand back into his lap and returned to reading over his lines.

A few minutes later, Jensen said, in almost a whisper, “It’s okay, you can tell me if I look fat. I won’t be mad.”

“Dude, what? Of course you don’t look fat,” Jared said, not even looking up. “Plus, even if you did, they could airbrush you in post-production or something. It’ll be fine.”

Jensen sighed and slouched beside Jared in his chair, resting an arm over his belly. “I feel bloated.”

“You’re such a girl,” Jared said, flipping a page.

“ ‘m _not_ a girl. It’s just—” Jensen sputtered in frustration, flapping a hand at Jared for emphasis. His face shut down, and Jared could practically hear steel girders sliding into place. He dropped his hands in his lap. “I don’t even know why I’m explaining this to you. You could never understand.”

Jared nodded, flipped another page. “Not a girl, right. Keep trying to fool yourself, man. I really do hope it works out for you.”

Jensen tipped his head back, exposing his throat. “Jesus, fuck, you’re impossible.”

“And so are you. What’s your point?” Jared rolled up the script in his hands and looked over. “You know—on second thought, you do kinda look a little puffy.” Jared gestured vaguely over Jensen’s midsection.

Jensen snapped upright in his seat. “I _knew_ it! I knew you thought I looked fat!”

“I didn’t say _fat_ , I said puff—oh, shut the hell up. You’re just doing this to get me worked up,” Jared said, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

“I am not! I’m just—really insecure about my body right now and it would’ve been nice if you could’ve just—”

“Are you two finished yet?”

Both Jared and Jensen looked up to find their director glaring at them, hands on his hips.

“Sorry, Phil,” Jared and Jensen said in unison, their heads bowed shamefully.

“Good.” Phil nodded to them. “You’re on in five minutes.” It sounded a bit like a threat. He turned and stalked off.

“Well,” Jared said.

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed. He stood up and brushed his palms off on his thighs. “Uh, sorry for getting snippy at you before,” Jensen muttered into his chest. He wasn’t good with apologies, but now didn’t really seem like the time for Jared to rib him about that too. The dude seemed really sensitive for some reason—more sensitive than usual, for Jensen. Which was saying something.

“ ‘s okay, man. Don’t sweat it.” Jared grinned broadly and slapped a big hand over the back of Jensen’s neck, meaning to give him just a friendly squeeze.

Jensen’s face froze and Jared was pretty sure he was slowly turning _green_. “Oh, God.”

“Jensen?”

Jensen jerked away from him. “I—I’m gonna be sick.”

Jared watched after Jensen in silent, slackjawed surprise as he made a hasty retreat to his trailer.

 _Jesus_. Jensen was really weird.

-

Sam lunged forward and grabbed Dean by the front of his denim jacket, shaking him like an Etch-a-Sketch. “Don’t you _ever_ talk about Ruby like that. She was my only companion while you were, you were—you weren’t here, Dean! What the hell was I supposed to do? Just stop _living_? No! I had to fight! And Ruby—Ruby—” 

He paused, waiting. Dean was supposed to cut him off with more invective about black-eyed demon sluts, but Dean had apparently missed his damn cue. Slowly Sam started to leech out until Jared was all that was left.

Jared shot Jensen a questioning look, brow furrowed deeply in concern, but Jensen just averted his gaze and said nothing.

An angry, shrill voice yelled “Cut!” and Jared unknotted his hands and smoothed down the front of Jensen’s rumpled denim jacket.

“Dude,” he hissed, “you totally missed your cue.”

“I _know_ that,” Jensen snapped back, stepping aside. “Don’t have to rub it in my fuckin’ face.”

“I’m not rubbing it in your face. It’s just, you never miss your cue. Are you—are you okay?” Jared crossed his arms over his chest. He could play concerned best friend if he had to. He just had no idea what he was supposed to be concerned about. Jensen didn’t do hard drugs—Jared lived with him during filming, he’d know if Jensen suddenly developed a coke habit or something—so that couldn’t possibly be it. And Jensen didn’t bring strange women back to their place, so it wasn’t like it was girl troubles. 

Or was it? 

Christ.

“I’m _fine_ ,” Jensen said through gritted teeth. “Let it go.”

“Let’s just call it a day,” Phil shouted. “I give up.” He waved his hands at them dismissively and walked off the set.

“Look, now you’ve upset Phil,” Jared said.

“I could really care less,” Jensen said. “I’ve got a lot on my plate.” He paused.

Jared waited. This was the closest they’d gotten all day to Jensen opening up. Which was not something he tended to do.

“I—” Jensen paused again and swept a hand through his hair. “Let me treat you to dinner. ‘s on me.” He slapped a hand smack dab in the middle of Jared’s chest and grinned, but Jared could see the strain at the corners of his eyes.

“Okay,” he said with a shrug. “Just lemme get my coat.”

-

Dinner was okay. Jensen took him out to a discreet place, where no one bugged them for autographs or photo ops, and the food was pretty good too. It should’ve been a _great_ night, but all the weirdness from earlier was still hanging over their heads. Jared couldn’t shake this sinking feeling in his gut that something was terribly, horribly wrong with Jensen.

When they got back to Jared’s place, he let the dogs out and watched them romp around in the yard, working out the kinks after being cooped up all day.

A hand settled on his shoulder and he glanced over.

“So, you gonna start talkin’ or what?” Jared asked.

Jensen slipped his hand away, tucked his arms around himself. “You wouldn’t understand. But—I figured you might as well know. I’m leaving the show.”

Jared blinked. He was pretty sure he heard Jensen tell him he was leaving the show, but that couldn’t be possible. There couldn’t be _Supernatural_ without Jensen. “You’re shitting me,” Jared said.

“No. I talked to Kripke. They’re gonna try’n release me from my contract,” Jensen said.

“Dude, _why_?” Jared knew he sounded whiney now, but come on.

“It’s private,” Jensen said.

“Are you gonna—” Jared nodded back toward the house.

“I’ve got my rent covered, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Jensen said. “I’m goin’ back to Texas.”

Jared put his hands up, as if that could stop Jensen from leaving. _Texas_? Jensen was moving back to Texas? Did this mean he was giving up acting? Everything? “You need to tell me what’s going on, man,” Jared said, trying his darnedest to sound intimidating. He thought he just ended up sounding _super_ whiny. “Are you in some kinda trouble? You piss the wrong person off or something?”

Jensen’s eyes hardened. “Like I said. It’s private. I’d like to leave it at that.” He blinked the hardness out of his eyes, and sighed. “This’s just something I gotta deal with on my own. ‘m sorry it couldn’t be different, Jay.” He turned and headed back into the house.

Jared stared off in the distance. He could just barely make out the dark tops of trees against the night sky. It was going to snow soon. Jared could feel it in his bones, settling tight and cold.

A low whine interrupted his inner monologue and he looked down. Harley was pawing at his leg, leaving behind streaks of mud. Sadie was looking up at him with a forlorn expression, ears perked, and Jared swallowed back a pang of guilt at having momentarily forgotten about them.

“Sorry, guys, got distracted there for a minute. C’mon, you two. Into the house!” Jared put on a cheerful face for the dogs and herded them back inside.

-

“This isn’t the end of _Supernatural_ , Jared. Don’t worry.”

Jared trusted Kripke as far as he could throw him right now. He had that frightening smile on his face, the kind that foretold certain doom. Kripke clapped his hands in what Jared supposed was evil glee.

“Um, how is Jensen leaving the show not the end of _Supernatural_?” Jared asked, pretty reasonably, he thought.

“The writers and I have come up with the perfect solution,” Kripke said, not really answering Jared’s question. “Sam Winchester, meet your new partner in crime—Chad Michael Murray!”

That was apparently Chad’s cue. He bounded up to Jared and gave him a way-too-enthusiastic punch in the chest. “Say hello to Rob Singer,” Chad said, punching Jared again.

“Rob Singer?” Jared winced and rubbed his chest.

“Bobby Singer’s long lost son,” Kripke clarified. Jared wondered if Kripke’s enthusiasm wasn’t just an act he was putting on for the Powers That Be, just in case they were watching him. “Isn’t this great?”

Jared looked over at Chad. Christ. _Supernatural_ had finally jumped the shark—that is, if it hadn’t already jumped the shark the _previous_ season when Dean finally had sex with the Impala. 

“So, um, welcome aboard, man,” Jared said, offering Chad a flimsy smile. “What’s Jensen say to all of this?”

“Jensen’s over the moon. He thinks Chad’ll be a great addition to the cast,” Kripke said. He paused, eyeing Jared suspiciously. “Are you saying you haven’t talked to him since he left the show?”

“Well, yeah,” Jared said. Chad coughed lightly and started fidgeting. “The two of us haven’t really been on speaking terms lately.”

“But you two live together. How could you not be on speaking terms?” Chad piped up.

“We—don’t. Not anymore. He went back home, to Texas,” Jared admitted.

Kripke sighed. “Chad, could ya give us a minute?” Jared’s new costar obliged, leaving them behind to go inspect an extra in gory makeup. Kripke gave Jared a serious look. “Is he all right? Did something happen back home?”

“I dunno, he wouldn’t tell me,” Jared said, feeling like a shitheel. He should’ve just pushed Jensen until he got the truth out of him, or something. But knowing Jensen, he would’ve just pushed back. Christ. What if something had happened to Jensen’s parents, or his brother or sister? What if something had happened to _Jensen_?

“I suggest you go find out,” Kripke said.

“What? Like, right now?” Jared asked.

“We got a break in shooting coming up in a week. Just drop in on him, see how he’s doing,” Kripke said. “ _I_ just thought he was burnt out or something. But what if it’s worse?”

“Okay, okay,” Jared said with a sigh. “I’ll go visit him, see what’s what.”

“That’s my boy.” Kripke whacked him on the chest and headed after Chad.

Jared sighed. He didn’t have a very good feeling about this.

-

Dropping in unexpectedly on Jensen was probably not the best idea he’d ever had, but, hey. When times get tough the tough get stealthy, or whatever. 

That wasn’t to say he didn’t feel like an utter skeeze creeping around outside Jensen’s parents’ place, though. 

Because he did. He really and truly did.

Jared stepped onto the porch and admired the sculpted, homey bushes and the little white porch swing before knocking on the door. Everything about Jensen’s parents’ home seemed perfect, idyllic. No wonder Jensen came back to this place to hide.

The door opened and Jared straightened his posture.

“Jared? What’re you doing here?” Jensen’s mom looked like she’d just seen a ghost. Maybe she had.

“I’m—is Jensen here?” he asked, shoving his hands deeply into the pockets of his jeans, suddenly self-conscious about his height.

Jensen’s mom shook her head slowly. “No, he hasn’t been home since Thanksgiving,” she said.

Huh. Ain’t that a fine kettle of fish. It was just a handful of days until March. “Huh,” Jared said, scrunching his brow. “He wasn’t here for Christmas?”

“No,” said Jensen’s mom, shifting her weight. She was clearly uncomfortable. Jared wondered if it was him or Jensen that was making her so uneasy. Maybe it was both. “He’s made himself pretty scarce. We get an occasional phone call every now and again.”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Ackles. I really hope everything’s okay,” he said. God, that was lame. Jared offered her an apologetic smile before heading back for his car.

Once he was back within the safe confines of his car, Jared whipped out his cell phone and dialed Jensen’s number.

_Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Jensen Ackles. He can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the beep._

“Jensen, you asshole, your mom and dad are worried about you. Uh, it’s Jay, by the way. In case you’ve forgotten the sound of my voice. So . . . How come you haven’t talked to them? Call me back, you asshole. And call _your mom_. Anyways. Catch ya later.” 

-

_Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Jensen Ackles. He can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the beep._

“You asshole, it’s been a week. Why haven’t you called me back? I’ve left, like, a million messages on your voicemail, dude. Your mom’s gonna put out an APB if you don’t get in touch soon. Come on, man. Even Kripke’s worried about you. Get in touch.”

-

Jared finally got a phonecall from Jensen two weeks after he visited his mom in Richardson. He could make out sounds in the background, tinkly elevator music, lilting voices. It really sounded like Jensen was in an elevator or at a chintzy restaurant, or something equally un-Jensenlike.

“Dude, where the fuck are you?” Jared yelled into the phone. He was slouched next to Harley on the pull-out couch in his and Chad’s trailer, not really paying much attention to _American Idol_. Some kid was warbling his way through a Clay Aiken number—like, _why_ would anyone do that? And on national TV?—and Jared kind of wanted to poke out his eardrums. Chad was sprawled out beside Jared, feet propped up on the coffee table, playing Solitaire on his laptop while Sadie was curled up at Jared’s elbow.

It was almost— _almost_ —normal.

“What, not even a ‘Hello, Jensen’?”

“You fucking asshole,” Jared said.

Chad looked up from his laptop. “Jensen?” Jared nodded stiffly. “Tell ’im I said hi.” Chad returned to his game.

“Chad says hi. And, dude, what the fu—”

“I needed some time to clear my head,” Jensen interrupted.

“Clear your head of what? Your massive gay crush on me?” Jared asked.

“Yeah, that,” Jensen said. “Anyway, that’s not really why I’m calling.”

“I figured. So, spit it out. Why’d you drop everything and leave?”

“I’m back in Vancouver. Wanted to see you,” Jensen said easily. Jared sat back in stunned silence. “I was thinking I could take you out to lunch or something.”

“Okay, but. That’s not gonna make up for the, like, three months you were a flaky bastard, I hope you know that,” Jared pointed out.

The kid on _Idol_ hit a particularly high, grating note and both dogs raised their heads and howled.

“Hear that? Harley and Sadie said they miss you,” Jared said, cringing at how lame that was. He totally sounded like a jilted ex. Which was patently ridiculous. Considering he and Jensen were emphatically _not_ in a relationship and _Jared_ was the one who did the jilting the last time he was in a relationship, but that was neither a here nor a there.

“Yeah, yeah, I heard,” Jensen said. “So. Tomorrow night good for you?”

“Yeah, tomorrow night is great,” Jared said, breaking into a happy, lopsided grin. He hadn’t realized how much he missed Jensen until that very moment.

“Okay. See you tomorrow then, Jay.” Jensen hung up gently.

“So are you two back together or what?” Chad asked, not looking up from his game of Solitaire.

“Shut up.” Jared turned his back on Chad and stomped to the kitchenette to grab a beer out of the fridge, hiding his pleased grin.

-

This time they met up at some random dive bar, a place with a skeezy-sounding name Jared didn’t recognize. He spotted Jensen’s sturdy Tundra in the parking lot and slid in next to it. His heart started beating rapidly and his palms were sweating—why was he so nervous? It was just Jensen. It wasn’t like anything had changed between them. They were still best friends.

Jared got out of his car and headed inside.

“Hey, Jay, over here.” Jensen was parked on a bench by the entrance, steins of beer already in hand.

“God, you’re the best.” Jared grinned, slipping off his coat and sitting across from Jensen. He rested his elbows on the table and sized Jensen up. He looked, as far as Jared could tell, happy and healthy. “So, spit it out, man.”

Jensen snorted. “You’re not even gonna have a drink before you start in on the Twenty Questions?”

“I like to cut right to the quick,” Jared said, smirking. 

Jensen turned his eyes to his beer stein. “Well, obviously I invited you out here for a reason,” he said, coughing. He glanced at Jared, eyes flickering. “Promise you won’t freak out.” It was an order, not a question.

“I promise,” Jared said, smiling and holding up his palm.

“Okay, well.” Jensen took a deep breath and dropped his gaze to the tablecloth.

Jared held his breath. _Just spit it out already, Jensen._

“I’m getting married,” Jensen said.

Jared was sure he heard Jensen wrong. “You’re getting married?”

“Yeah,” Jensen said. “Me and Danneel.”

“You could’ve done that and stayed on with the show,” Jared said. “You didn’t have to _quit_.” He was going to point out that _he_ got engaged and stayed on the show, but that didn’t really work out so well for him, so he decided not to mention it.

Jensen took a sip of his beer. “I know. It’s more complicated than that.”

“Spell it out for me,” Jared said, laying his hands on the table.

“We’re having a baby,” Jensen said.

Jared let the news wash over him in a cool wave, then smiled. “You and Danneel?”

“Yes, of course me and Danneel. Who’d you _think_ I meant?” Jensen asked, getting snappy again. He took a deep chug of beer to calm himself and then swept his hand over his face. “Fuck, Jay. I’m sorry. I’m still getting used to the idea of having a baby.”

“How long?” Jared asked.

“Three months,” Jensen sighed.

“So you’re gonna be a dad,” Jared said, offering Jensen a smile, trying to keep up appearances. “That’s no reason to quit. Danneel can’t do her modeling work while she’s pregnant. Who’s gonna pull in the dough if you’re both not working?”

“You’re an idiot,” Jensen said.

“What?” Jared blinked, thrown off guard.

Jensen sighed and leaned in, lowering his voice. “She’s not the one who’s having the baby.”

“You got some other chick knocked up?” Jared gasped. That was so not like Jensen at _all_.

Jensen looked like he was going to haul off and slug him now. “No, _I’m_ the one who’s having the baby,” he hissed.

Jared couldn’t help himself. He started to laugh. “Real funny, Jen. _Real_ funny.”

“I’m not yanking your fucking chain. Somehow, some way, Danneel knocked me up. And I’m having her baby.”

“You do know who you’re talking to, right? I’m not falling for it, Jen,” Jared said.

“I’m not trying to pull one over on you, Jared. Get that through your thick, Cro-magnon skull,” Jensen snapped. “I wouldn’t joke about this shit.”

Jared’s laughter died in his throat when he saw the look in Jensen’s eyes. He really wasn’t joking. He was _pregnant_. Holy shit. “Does Kripke know?” Jared asked.

“I told him I had mono,” said Jensen, sitting back and sloshing the beer in his stein. 

Jared scrunched his brow. “But doesn’t mono only last, like, a month? You’re never gonna convince him that you managed to get mono for nine months straight.”

“I know that. I wasn’t thinking that far into the future!” Jensen sat back and Jared could see the weight he’d put on around his midsection—the weight that was apparently, according to Jensen, a baby. His and Danneel’s baby.

“This is too much, this is too fucking much,” Jared said, rubbing his hands over his face. “How d’you know it’s Danneel’s anyways?”

“You think I sleep around on her?” Jensen asked, bristling.

“No! It’s just—she doesn’t have a penis is all,” Jared said, quietly.

“Are you accusing me of _sleeping around_ on my girlfriend with _dudes_?” Jensen sounded appalled.

“No! It’s just—this is so unbelievable, Jen,” Jared said, waving his hand over Jensen’s belly. “This just doesn’t happen.”

“Yes it does! That man, Thomas Beattie? He had a baby,” Jensen said.

“He also had a uterus,” said Jared, reasonably. “ _And_ a vagina.”

Jensen pouted and crossed his arms over his chest. “Jesus, I shoulda known this would be a bad idea.”

“No, look, hey. I’m glad you called me,” Jared said, immediately feeling bad. He leaned over and reached out a tentative hand, placing it on Jensen’s arm. “I’m here for you, man.”

Jensen shrugged his arm off. “No chick flick moments, okay, Jay?”

Jared sat back and eyed Jensen’s stein. “You shouldn’t be drinking beer,” he said, nodding to it.

“I know. ‘s not beer.”

Jared snagged the stein and took a sip. “ _Apple juice_? Wow. Things really _have_ changed.” He glanced at Jensen. “So you and Danneel are really serious about—wait, she does know, right?”

Jensen shifted uneasily. “I—haven’t exactly found the right moment to break the news to her.”

“Dude, you’re at least three months pregnant. How do you just happen to not mention that to the fath—er, uh, mother of your unborn child?” Jared asked.

“I’ve been working on it!” Jensen said, irritably.

“Man. This is heavy.” Jared put the apple juice down. “So. Have you been following the show since you left?”

Jensen brightened, looking relieved at the not-so-subtle change in topics. “Yeah! I’m really liking Chad’s work so far. You guys have a lot of chemistry,” he said.

“You should read the fanfiction they write about Sam and Rob. It’s downright embarrassing,” Jared said.

Jensen beamed. “Stop Googling your name then.”

“Sometimes Bobby gets in there. Those fans love their incest. Anyways,” Jared said quickly, taking a sip of his beer. “It’s nice and all working with Chad, but . . . it’s just not the same. You _are_ coming back eventually, right?”

“I dunno, Jay. Depends on what happens with Danneel, and the baby. And if I can convince her to fake a pregnancy,” Jensen said.

“What if she refuses?”

Jensen shrugged. “I’ll just say I adopted him or something. Like Madonna, or Menudo or whoever.”

“The media’ll just paint you as gay,” Jared pointed out.

“They already do,” Jensen muttered.

“Well. Point,” Jared said. He finished off his beer and pushed the stein aside. “So, I think I’m about ready to go. You?”

Jensen patted a hand over his belly. “Can’t we get somethin’ to eat? I’m starved.”

“Let’s just go back to my place. I’ll make us some dinner,” Jared said.

“You can’t cook,” Jensen said. “The last time you attempted to cook, we ended up in the emergency room for three hours and _you_ ended up—”

“No need in reliving the whole experience,” Jared said, cutting him off. “I’ve improved since then.”

“Well, okay then,” Jensen said, getting up and grabbing his jacket. He pulled it around himself carefully, and fidgeted with the front of the jacket before looking up at Jared and smiling. “Let’s go.”

-

Jensen was sprawled out on Jared’s couch, hands clasped over his belly— _the baby_ , Jared thought, still trying to wrap his mind around the absurdity of it all—and the light from the TV hit the peaks and valleys in Jensen’s face just right, and he honestly looked like he was glowing.

Jensen was a glowing pregnant—well, man.

“You want some more pad thai?” Jared pushed a carton of Thai across the coffee table, into the sole of Jensen’s sneaker.

“Sure.” Jensen took the carton and stole a glance toward Jared’s kitchen. “The oven gonna make it?”

“It’ll be fine,” Jared said. He attacked a container of pad thai with some plastic chopsticks. “This stuff is _way_ better than burnt shoe leather and potatoes au charcoal, anyways.”

“Have to say, I agree,” Jensen said, mouth full of food, letting out a particularly rapturous moan.

Jared popped a piece of pork into his mouth. “You sound like you’re having an orgasm over food. A foodgasm,” Jared said around the cube of pork, feeling clever. He finished chewing and swallowed it.

“Foodgasm? You’re such a geek.” Jensen laughed.

“Bitch.” Jared snagged a piece of pork with his chopsticks and slung it at Jensen’s forehead. The pork found its target and slid messily down Jensen’s face and into his lap. Jared stamped his feet and clapped his hands and whooped so loudly the dogs started whining.

Jensen picked up the pork, which was now coated in a fine layer of dog hair, and threw it back in Jared’s face. “Jerk.”

“Serves you right. You were just asking for it,” Jared said, spluttering and wiping at his face. “Ugh. Disgusting.”

Jensen chuckled. “Serves _you_ right.”

“I hate you. I don’t know why I put up with you,” Jared said, mouth twitching spasmodically, trying to hide the beginnings of a smile he knew Jensen could see.

“You don’t hate me. If you hated me you’d’ve kicked me out by now,” Jensen said, finishing off his carton of pad thai with great relish, licking his lips. “And you wouldn’t’ve gone through all the trouble of burning your kitchen down in an attempt to feed me.”

“Point,” Jared conceded. “Anyways, you gonna be stayin’ here tonight? Should I get your old room made up?”

Jensen glanced quickly at his watch. “I dunno ’f I should, man.”

“Aw, c’mon, Jen. It’s been way too long,” Jared whined unabashedly, bouncing on the couch like a spoiled kid always used to getting his way.

Jensen sighed. “Don’t do this to me, Jay.”

“Jensen—” Jared reached out and grabbed Jensen’s hand.

Jensen pulled his hands back, sinking into the couch. “I’m sorry, Jay. This was fun, but I can’t.”

Jared sighed. “ ’m I ever gonna see you again?”

“ ’Course you will. Just—not for a little bit. I need to, uh, warm Danneel up to the idea of bein’ a dad. I mean, mom. Whatever.” Jensen rubbed his hands over his face and sighed heavily, sagging even deeper into the couch cushions.

“Well. Me casa es su casa,” Jared said, sitting back and leaning into Jensen’s side lightly. He put his head on his shoulder. “Don’t be a stranger, Jen.”

Jensen dropped his hands into his lap and Jared felt Jensen shifting against him, felt Jensen’s fingers petting his hair before slipping away. “I won’t, Jay. I promise.”

-

_Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Jensen Ackles. He can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the beep._

“It’s been three fucking weeks. Pick up your fucking phone for once in your fucking life—oh, fuck it. I don’t even want to talk to you anymore. _Ever_. How ’bout that? You don’t think I can do it, do you? Well, I can, and I will. You, Jensen Ross Ackles, have officially been stripped of best friend status, starting— _now_. Have a nice life.”

-

Ruby paced the tiny cabin she and Sam had been squatting at for the last couple weeks, flipping a long, thin-bladed silver knife from hand to hand. If she wasn’t careful, she’d end up cutting herself—or the meat suit she was currently wearing, to put it more accurately.

“I’m worried about him, Ruby,” Sam said, looking up from his dad’s journal. “Rob usually calls if he’s been out this long.”

Ruby paused in front of the door, turning to give Sam a lingering look. “I don’t have a good feeling about this,” she said.

The door flew open and Sam jumped up from behind his desk, reaching for the shotgun of rocksalt he always kept by his side.

Ruby let out a scream and threw up her hands, dropping the knife with a clatter. “Sam! It’s—” She fell silent, arms flopping at her sides. “— _Jensen_?”

Jensen stood in the doorway, wearing a baggy hooded sweatshirt Jared was pretty sure Jensen swiped from his closet and a pair of disgusting, dirty sweatpants that probably could’ve walked off the set on their own.

“Dude, what’re you doing here? And you look like shit,” Jared said, resting the shotgun against Sam’s desk.

“Came by to surprise you guys,” Jensen said, offering Genevieve and Jared weak smiles.

Genevieve shot Jared a look, brow knitting in concern, before moving to hug Jensen. “We missed you,” she said, giving him a squeeze. She stepped back, cocking her head. “You—something’s different. Did you gain weight?”

“For a part,” Jensen said, leaning in to give Jared a one-armed hug. When he tried to move away, Jared tightened his arm around him.

Jared ducked his head and whispered, “Dude, way to ignore my phone calls for a month. You’ve got some ’splainin’ to do,” before finally letting Jensen go.

Jensen pasted on a forced smile and clapped his hands. “So, who’s up for lunch? I sure could use something to eat. Who’s with me?”

-

Genevieve picked at a disgustingly healthy looking salad while Jared and Jensen indulged themselves with big, juicy hamburgers, french fries, and Cokes. The three of them had taken over a picinic table next to a plastic Hamburglar statue, and Jensen and Jared took turns throwing french fries at the Hamburglar’s nose.

“So, Jen,” Genevieve said, spearing a peice of lettuce with her fork and dipping it into some dressing, “what’ve you been up to?” 

Jensen stole a quick look Jared’s way, fry poised in his hand. Jared just shrugged. “I’ve just been—busy,” he said, around partially-chewed hamburger. “Plannin’ mine and Danneel’s wedding.”

Genevieve dropped her plastic fork. “No way! You and Danneel are getting married? And no one told me?” She whacked Jared hard on the arm. “Way to keep me in the loop, asshole.”

“It wasn’t really any of my business,” Jared said, sheepishly, rubbing his shoulder.

“Yeah, sorry. She and I’ve been keepin’ it on the downlow. ‘Cause of the paparazzi and all,” Jensen lied effortlessly. Jared was impressed.

“Well, am I getting an invite?” Genevieve smiled prettily at him.

“ ’Course you are, darlin’.” Jensen flashed her a winning smile.

“I have to pick out a _dress_. This is going to be _so_ exciting!” Genevieve said, salad long forgotten.

Jared looked at Jensen over her head and raised his eyebrows. “So, ’s that why you’ve been ignoring my phone calls?”

“It’s been pretty hectic,” Jensen said, but Jared didn’t believe him.

“I think we need to have a talk,” Jared said.

“Now?” Jensen gestured to his unfinished hamburger.

“Yes, now.” Jared got up and grabbed Jensen by the arm, pulling him along. Genevieve looked after them, innocently befuddled.

When they were safely out of earshot, Jared pushed Jensen back into the wall and glared at him, squaring his jaw, trying his best to be intimidating. He poked Jensen in the shoulder with his index finger.

“What the fuck aren’t you telling me?” He pushed Jensen lightly in the chest.

“Dude, could we not do this in a McDonald’s parking lot?” Jensen brushed his hand away.

“Where _else_ are we gonna do it? On set? In the car with Genevieve?” Jared paused. That sounded kinda wrong.

“How ‘bout not at all?”

“How ’bout you tell me the truth,” Jared said. “The whole truth and nothing but the truth.”

“You want the truth? You can’t _handle_ —”

“You’re such an asshole.” Jared sighed.

“Sorry,” Jensen said. “I couldn’t help myself.”

Jared stepped back and ran a hand through his hair. “Just—Jensen, I can tell something’s going on. So, spill.”

Jensen took a deep, belabored breath and crossed his arms over his chest. “I told Danneel and she, uh, she didn’t believe me.” Jensen flicked his gaze to the ground, kicked at a cigarette butt. “She left, Jay.”

“Danneel left you?” Jared blinked rapidly in surprise, feeling like someone had punched him in the solar plexus, wherever the hell that was.

Jensen nodded slowly and kicked at the cigarette butt with the heel of his shoe again. “Yeah. She was mad, she thought I was making it all up just to be a dick to her or something,” Jensen grumbled. “Then I showed her the ultrasound and she kinda freaked out and left.”

“You got an ultrasound? How’d you manage that?” Jared asked.

“I found a doctor who promised not to ask too many questions or sell me out to a tabloid,” Jensen said, reaching into his pocket and extracting a folded-up piece of paper. He held it out to Jared and Jared took it between his thumb and forefinger, unfolded it.

It really looked like an actual baby, with ears, a nose, a mouth, even eyes. Jared wasn’t even sure what he’d been expecting. He could hardly believe that this was real. “Wow,” he said. “This is— _heavy_ , man.”

“You’re telling me,” Jensen said. He took the creased piece of paper back from Jared. “So. Me and Danneel aren’t talking.”

“Are you gonna be okay on your own?” Jared asked. Then, a thought suddenly occurred to him. “What about the wedding?”

“It’s been—postponed.” Jensen tucked the piece of paper back into his pocket. “Indefinitely, I guess.”

Jared glanced back to the picnic table where he knew Genevieve was waiting for them to return. He shoved his hands into his pants pockets and scuffed the soles of his sneakers on the cracked asphalt. “You need a place to stay? ’Til you and Danneel figure something out?”

Jensen shrugged. “Okay. If it’s not gonna be a problem.”

“It won’t be a problem,” Jared promised, slipping his arm around Jensen’s shoulders. He gave him a reassuring squeeze. “Everything will be okay. I’m gonna take care of you, man. You’re my best friend.”

Jensen only managed a thin-lipped smile and Jared realized he didn’t believe him. 

Well, he’d show him, then.

-

Jared watched from the doorway as Jensen moved from cardboard box to cardboard box, pulling out his things—picture frames, figurines, autographed baseballs, other knickknacks—and putting them back in place. The room had been so empty without Jensen and his shit—Jared didn’t even like passing by and seeing the room so _Jensenless_ , that he left the door closed most times—and it finally looked right again.

A firm, solid mass butted up against the back of Jared’s knees and he let out a loud grunt, betraying his presence at the door. He looked down; Harley was looking up at him, head cocked.

“Hey. Didn’t know I had an audience,” Jensen said, pulling a stack of books out of one of his boxes.

“I was just thinking,” Jared said.

“Uh oh.” Jensen set the books on the nightstand beside his bed.

Jared continued on. “—about how empty the room looked when you weren’t here. Now it looks like it’s supposed to. And I think Harley and Sadie agree.”

“Aww, that’s sweet, Jay. Why don’t you put it on a Hallmark card,” Jensen said, but his tone was warm and appreciative. He picked up one of his signed baseballs and set it on his bookshelf, between some books about World War II and some books about the Texas Rangers.

“Asshole,” Jared said, smiling. He shoved his hands into his pockets and kicked his bare feet against the floorboards.

Jensen sank onto the end of his bed and slid his hands over his stomach. “I think that’s it for tonight,” he said.

“I can get the rest for you if you want,” Jared said, stepping forward.

“Nah, it’s fine. I’ll get to it tomorrow. It’ll give me something to do,” Jensen said.

“No, really, it’s not a—”

“Jay, leave it,” Jensen said, looking up at him, jaw set. “It’s not like I’ve got anything else to do until I pop this kid out.” He paused. “God, that sounds so fucking _weird_.”

“ ’Cause it _is_ weird,” Jared pointed out.

“I know that.” Jensen rubbed his stomach some more.

“You okay?” Jared asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Jensen rubbed his stomach one more time before dropping his hands. He kneaded a hand in the comforter, bunching up some of the worn fabric in his fist. “It’s just—” Jensen’s eyes flickered, as if he thought better, and cut himself off.

“What is it?” Jared prompted.

“I’m a _man_ ,” Jensen said.

Jared thought, _Duh_ , nodding to Jensen to continue.

“I’m not supposed to be—to be _pregnant_. I mean, how does this even happen? My doctor—she couldn’t figure out why or how this could happen. It just did.” Jensen laughed, but it wasn’t a happy sound. “A miracle, she said.”

“Maybe she’s right,” Jared said.

“How is _this_ a miracle?” Jensen looked up at Jared. “I might’ve lost the love of my life over this. How could it possibly be a miracle?”

Jared sighed. “God works in mysterious—”

“Jay, don’t even.” Jensen shot him a warning look.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jared said, throwing up his hands. He settled next to Jensen on the bed and bumped shoulders with him. “Look, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, Jen.”

Jensen only grunted in response and shied away from Jared’s shoulder.

“No, really, it doesn’t. Just think of it like a—funny coincidence. Something wonky happened, sure. But now you’re gonna have this baby, and it might not be how you’d expected it to happen, but it—it’s a good thing. I truly believe it is.”

“Why?” Jensen asked, twisting next to Jared to get a good look at him.

Jared looked back and smiled. “Because it’s a part of you—and a part of Danneel.”

Jensen sighed. “How’d I know you were gonna say that?”

“Because I’m just that awesome.”

“Or just that predictable.” Jensen elbowed him and Jared thought he saw the beginnings of a smile curving up the corners of Jensen’s lips.

 _Score. Jared—1, Jensen—0_.

-

Over the next few weeks, Jared dedicated all his free time to turning his arcade room into a nursery for Jensen’s baby. Even though Jensen insisted—and insisted and insisted—that he was going to move out once the baby was born and go back to Texas to live with his parents.

“Why would you wanna voluntarily live with your parents anyways?” Jared asked, as he rolled a paint roller in a pan of robin’s egg blue paint. “ _I_ closed that door _years_ ago.”

Jensen leaned heavily against the doorframe, resting his arms over his ever-growing belly. It was getting harder and harder to pass it off as weight gain for a new role. They’d have to think of something else. “Because they’re my parents?”

“How’re you gonna explain the baby?” Jared pushed himself to his feet and walked over to one of the walls, his soles crunching over the crinkled newspaper he’d spread out over the floor. Light blue paint dripped down the front of his beat up white t-shirt. “Are you just gonna tell them you adopted it or something?”

Jensen shrugged. “I’ll think of something, I’m sure.”

“Six months, man. You’re kind of cutting it a little close,” Jared said, applying the paint to the wall. “And you mean to tell me you haven’t seen your mom and dad since before you started showing?”

Jensen nodded. “I didn’t know how to break the news. Still don’t.”

“You don’t have to. You could just stay here,” Jared said. 

Newspaper crunched and Jared looked over. Jensen bent down, carefully, and picked up a paintbrush. It was easy for Jensen to lose his balance these days, not used to the extra weight, and Jared set his brush down. He headed over and put a hand out to steady Jensen and keep him from toppling over. 

“I guess. But you’re gonna go home eventually, too,” Jensen said. He dipped the brush in the bucket of blue paint. “Do you really trust me that much to let me have the run of the place while you’re in L.A. schmoozin’ with the hot shots, or something?”

“ ‘Course I do,” Jared said, like it was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard, keeping his hand on Jensen’s back. “I trust you.”

Jensen sighed and slashed the brush across the wall, leaving a spatter of blue paint across the white drywall. “Jackson Pollock does interior decoration,” Jensen said, turning to give Jared a smug, satisfied grin.

Jared laughed. “You’ve got paint on your nose. I wish I had my camera right now.”

Jensen turned and began to paint properly, and Jared slid his hand away. “You’re probably lucky you don’t. I’d’ve shoved it up your ass before you got a chance to take any pictures of me.”

“How come?” Jared asked, returning to his forgotten paint roller.

“ ’Cause I look like shit.” Jensen paused, the hand holding the brush going still. He looked over at Jared. “That was totally a chick thing to say, wasn’t it?”

Jared snorted. “Yeah, kinda.”

Jensen resumed painting. “At least I’m making myself useful,” he said, nodding to the brush. “I feel like I’m just—rotting away mentally, or something.” Jensen sighed. “I miss _Supernatural_.”

Jared blinked. Jensen’s admission was an unexpected slug to the gut. “We miss you too, Jensen,” he said, looking down at his hands. “It’s not the same without you.”

“It’s too late to go back, I know that,” Jensen said, gruffly, “but I kinda wish I’d stuck around a little longer.”

“You know, just the other day, Kripke was talking about bringing Dean back, maybe for a flashback episode or something,” Jared said, looking over. “Would you be up for that?”

“Dude. _Look_ at me.” Jensen swept his brush over his midsection, dribbling paint down the front of his shirt.

“They could figure something out, I’m sure.”

“You mean, just stick with extreme closeups of my fat face?” Jensen asked.

“Your face isn’t _that_ fat.” Jared looked down and considered the paint roller in his hand.

“Gee, thanks.” Jensen turned to dip the brush back in the bucket of paint.

Jared moved with the quickness and agility of a panther and rolled the paint roller down the back of Jensen’s t-shirt. “Gotcha!”

“You asshole!” Jensen swiped his brush at Jared, but Jared nimbly darted out of the way.

“Too quick for ya,” he teased, dancing on the tips of his toes. “I’m like a _cat_.”

“You suck,” Jensen said, flinging the paint-covered brush at Jared. It hit its target and he whooped, raising his arms over his head in victory. His shirt rode up, revealing a sliver of skin, and Jensen tugged it back down, self-consciously.

Jared reached up and wiped a glob of paint off his chin. “I owe you one.”

“Naw, I think we’re even now,” Jensen said, gesturing to the paint on his shirt and pants.

“You did that to yourself,” Jared scoffed.

“Way to blame the victim, dude,” Jensen said, with an injured sniff. He dropped the paintbrush to the floor with a clatter and rubbed his stomach. “I’m hungry. You got any ice cream?”

-

Jared stumbled in after a long day of shooting, bleary-eyed and exhausted, and dropped his set of keys on the kitchen counter. He raised his arms above his head and let out a massive yawn, before scratching himself on the ass.

And then he noticed Danneel sitting at the kitchen counter.

“Danneel?” He squinted. “That you?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I came over to see Jensen.”

“So, uh, how’s everything?” Jared asked, once his brain started up again.

Danneel was looking beautiful, as always, and fit. No one would believe that she’d given birth to Jensen’s baby.

“Things are—getting better,” she said, mouth twitching into a warm smile when Jensen emerged from the hallway. 

Jensen set What to Expect When You’re Expecting and The Big Book of Baby Names on the kitchen counter and slid them over to her. “Hey, Jay. I made chicken casserole for dinner.”

Jared raised his eyebrows. “You made chicken casserole for dinner?”

“Oh, shut up.” Jensen sat across from Danneel and picked up the baby name book. “Have you thought of any names yet?”

Danneel shook her head and tucked some hair behind her ear. “Not really. I was thinking I could leave that up to you,” she said.

“But the baby’s just as much a part of you as it is a part of me,” Jensen said. Jared wanted to laugh at the irony, but he behaved himself and held it in. “I think it would be fair if I picked the first name and you picked the middle name, or something.”

Danneel got up and walked around the counter to sit beside him. She linked her arm with Jensen’s and put her head on his shoulder. “That works for me,” she said, looking up at him with big, adoring eyes.

Jared turned and got some cranberry juice and vodka and from the fridge. “Anyone thirsty?” Jared shook the plastic jug of cranberry juice in Danneel’s direction.

“ ’s getting kinda late,” Jensen said, flipping a page of his book. “Shouldn’t you be in bed, Jay?”

“What are you, my mom?” Jared grumbled, opening the jug and pouring out some juice into a glass. “I’ve got a light day tomorrow. We’re just reshooting a couple scenes for the upcoming episode. I told you about that one, right? Sam and Rob end up at this haunted—” Jared trailed off when he realized Jensen was no longer paying attention to him.

“I think like the name Sophia for a girl too,” Jensen murmured.

“I _really_ hope it’s a girl,” Danneel said, softly, into his shoulder. “I think you’d be great with a daughter You’d probably spoil her to death. She’d be the happiest little girl in the world.”

“I probably would.” Jensen grinned down at her. 

It was all so _perfect_ that Jared wanted to throw something just to hear it crunch against the wall.

“On second thought, maybe I _will_ go to bed,” Jared announced to no one in particular, and scurried down the hall before he had to hear another word.

-

There was a soft knock on Jared’s door and he looked up from the book he was flipping through unseeingly.

“Who is it?” he asked, although it wasn’t like Danneel to seek alone time with him. They were friendly, but they weren’t _BFFs_ or anything. They didn’t have much in common besides a fondness for Jensen, really.

“It’s me,” Jensen called out. “Can I come in?”

“Sure, go ahead.” Jared tucked a bookmark between the pages and set his book down. Jensen opened the door a crack, poking his head in.

“Are you—” Jensen paused, biting on his bottom lip, hand poised on the doorknob. Jared could hear the hamster wheel in his head spinning away. “Jay—are you not okay with Danneel or something?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? She _is_ the mother of your baby,” Jared said, offering Jensen as sincere a smile as he could muster.

“I know, but. You were awfully—cold to her tonight,” Jensen said. He looked troubled; worry lines creased his forehead and Jared felt like a shitheel. He hated seeing Jensen like that, and he especially hated that Jensen looked like that because he was an ass to his fiancée.

“She hasn’t been around in months and suddenly she’s here, acting like—like, I don’t know. Like she wasn’t the one who freaked out and ran off?” Jared asked.

“I invited her over,” Jensen said, stepping into Jared’s room. He leaned back against the door and rested his hands over his belly. “She called to say she was in town and she wanted to meet up. So I invited her over here. We talked things out.” Jensen chewed some more on his lip as he turned things over in his mind. “She knows what you’ve done for me, Jay. So it’s not like we don’t appreciate it or anything.”

Jared got out of his bed and started pacing at the foot of his bed. He felt like he thought better when he was pacing. “I—I know you do,” Jared said, glancing at Jensen. “That’s not it, man.”

“Then what is it?” Jensen asked. “You’re my best friend, but Danneel is the woman I’m gonna marry. You guys _have_ to get along.”

“We _have_ to?” Jared snorted, seizing onto that. He could feel the beginnings of righteous anger flare in his chest. “Look, Jensen, I don’t _have_ to do—”

“If you and Danny end up hating each other I don’t know what I’d do,” Jensen interrupted, actually looking kind of desperate and scared.

Jared stopped pacing and looked up at the catch in Jensen’s voice. “What do you mean?”

“You’re just two of the most important people in my life,” Jensen said, flailing. Jared raised an eyebrow, impressed. He’d never seen anyone actually flail before. “You’re like family to me, Jared.”

“So’re you, man.” Jared pulled Jensen into a careful hug and went still, resting his hands low on Jensen’s back. “Hey, I just felt something!” Jared stepped back and slid a hand over Jensen’s belly. Jensen instinctively pulled away, but Jared tugged him back. “I could feel the baby kicking. That was so frickin’ sweet!”

“All right there, buddy,” Jensen said, giving Jared a pat on the back. “You gonna let me breathe or what?”

“Oh, shit. Sorry.” Jared let Jensen go and fussed with his shirt, brushing at dog hair on his shoulder. Jensen squirmed away. “What?”

“Dude. Quit it.” Jensen made a slight face. “You’re acting like my _mom_.”

“Jesus, I’m just trying to be helpful,” Jared snapped, feeling stung.

“There’s helpful and then there’s _surrogate mom_ ,” Jensen said.

“Well, excuse the fuck out of me for trying.” Jared was also apparently feeling petty now. He wondered if it wasn’t just some of Jensen’s weirdly emotional hormone shit rubbing off on him. He’d heard about how guys sometimes went through sympathy pains alongside their wives and girlfriends. Surely there was a such thing as sympathy _assholeishness_.

“Christ, Jay, I never asked for your help in the _first place_ ,” Jensen said, stomping around Jared’s room. The floorboards rattled under his heavy boots. Harley and Sadie started dancing at his feet, their nails clicking on the wood, circling him like sharks.

“You could’ve turned me down,” Jared pointed out.

“Like you would’ve let me? You _know_ how you get.” Jensen stopped to shoot Jared an accusing glare.

“How do I get, Jensen?” Jared crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his eyes. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to like this.

“You get all overbearing,” Jensen said. “Like my _mom_.”

“Your mom isn’t overbearing,” Jared said.

Jensen waved him off dismissively. “That’s not the point. You never asked me if I wanted any of this.”

“Are you saying you don’t?” Jared challenged.

“That’s not what I’m saying! I’m saying that— _fuck_ , Jay. I’m not _used_ to all of this.” Jensen waved his hands in front of him.

“Used to what? Having somebody take _care_ of you?” Jared asked.

“Used to having someone _dote_ on me,” Jensen said. “I don’t get to do _anything_ on my own. You act like I’m gonna fall apart or something. I’m not some fragile flower.”

Jared laughed. He couldn’t help it. It was just so fucking _absurd_. Jensen was actually _mad_ at him for _helping_ him. “You ungrateful son of a bitch!”

“ _Ungrateful_? You’ve gotta be shittin’ me,” Jensen exploded. “I never asked you to go all _Suzy Homemaker_ on me! So don’t act like I’m some asshole because you’re driving me up the wall.”

“Maybe I’m doing all of this ’cause I worry about you,” Jared said.

Jensen peered at him, narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “What are you talking about?”

“Nothing, forget it,” Jared muttered.

“No, what are you talking about?” Jensen asked again, quietly and calmly, _too_ calmly. He had that _look_ in his eyes that told Jared he was about five minutes away from an asskicking if he didn’t give it up.

“ _Jen_ sen,” Jared said, in a childish whine.

Jensen narrowed his eyes. “Don’t fuck with me, man.”

“I’m not fucking with you, Jensen. I _promise_ ,” Jared promised.

“Swear on—swear on your sister’s life,” Jensen said.

“I swear on my sister’s life that I’m not fucking with you.” Jared tried his best to look earnest and sincere. 

Jensen sighed and rubbed a hand through his hair. “Okay. Now, are you gonna tell me why you’re worried about me? Do you think I can’t do this on my own?”

“No, not at all! I just want to be helpful!” Jared said.

“All right . . . Look, I’m sorry I snapped at you, man,” Jensen said, looking genuinely sorry. He ducked his head and scuffed his feet. “I _do_ appreciate everything you’ve done. It’s, it’s really.” Jensen faltered. “Really cool of you, Jay.”

Jared smiled. That was more than he was expecting. He reached out and clipped Jensen lightly on the shoulder. “Thanks man.” He gave Jensen’s shoulder a squeeze. “We good?”

Jensen looked up and nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “We’re good.”

-

Jared wove between racks at the department store, and paused at a spinning rack of flowery, matronly maternity gowns. He picked up the sleeve of one of them and ran the silky material between his fingers.

There was no way in hell Jensen would wear this shit.

He dropped the sleeve and moved on to a rack of shirts. These were a little less— _girly_ , solid neutral colors, cotton, not so _obvious_. He grabbed a couple off the hangers and threw them into his cart. He moved on to a display of blue jeans that had special stretchy fabric sewn into the waist and snagged a few pairs of those as well.

“Are you finding everything all right, sir?” A saleslady approached him, wearing a big friendly grin. The shiny plastic nametag on her vest said **Lindsi**.

“I'm doing just fine, Lindsi. Thanks,” Jared said, returning the smile, just as broadly. The girl flushed prettily and stepped aside to let Jared and the cart pass.

He found Jensen sitting on a stool in the men's shoes section, examining the thick rubber soles of a pair of boots. “Hey. What'd you find?”

Jared picked a shirt and a pair of jeans out of the cart. “How ’bout these?” He waggled them.

“Those pants,” Jensen said, pulling a face. “Those are _disgusting_. Did you go pick out the most hideous shit on purpose?”

“That's all they had, man.” Jared shrugged and dropped them back into the cart.

Jensen stuck the boots into a shoebox and tossed the box in with the rest of Jared’s finds. “Well, I'm all set.” He glanced around quickly and tugged his sweatshirt down over his belly. “You wanna hit up the food court?”

“You’re hungry again?” Jared asked. “You’re always hungry, man.”

Jensen gave Jared a tired _look_. “Of course I’m always hungry, you asshole. I’m fucking—” Jensen lowered his voice and glanced around before finishing, “—pregnant.”

Jared shook his head. “Okay, whatever you want, then.”

“That’s more like it.” Jensen grinned, leading the way to the food court.

-

 

“What the fuck is this?”

A newspaper landed on Jared’s plate, splattering spaghetti sauce all over his shirt. He looked up into Jensen’s angry, practically murderous glare.

“What the fuck is _what_ , Jensen?” Jared picked up his napkin and began dabbing at the red sauce on his favorite shirt, with a miserable sigh.

“Look at it, Jared.” Jensen stabbed his finger into the front page of the tabloid.

 ** _SUPERNATURAL_ STAR EXPECTING A NEW ADDITION? Hunky _Supernatural_ star spotted in maternity section; who’s the lucky lady?** took up half the page, and a grainy photograph of Jared standing in front of a rack of flowery maternity gowns, obviously surreptitiously taken from a cell phone, took up the rest of the page.

“Shit.” Jared dropped the napkin and grabbed the paper in a white-knuckled grip. “ _Shit_.”

“How could you let this—”

“I had no idea! I didn’t even see anyone when I was looking through the maternity shit,” Jared protested, flipping open to the appropriate page. “ ‘Jared Padalecki, the hunky star of the CW’s hit show _Supernatural_ , was snapped as he shopped for maternity gear at Walmart on Friday afternoon. A source close to the actor said he and his gorgeous costar, Genevieve Cortese, are expecting a baby together, the first for both, in August.’ What the fuck! I’m not even _dating_ her!”

“Well, at least they didn’t mention me—”

“ ‘Also spotted with Padalecki was former _Supernatural_ star, Jensen Ackles. The increasingly reclusive Ackles took a hiatus from the show mid-season, citing stress and personal reasons, and has lain low ever since. According to our source, the visibly overweight Ackles has been in hiding due to a breakup with his longtime love, Danneel Harris.’ ” Jared looked up at Jensen and raised his eyebrows.

“Who the fuck’s this source? I’ll kick their fucking ass,” Jensen growled, knotting his hands into fists.

“They’re probably just pulling this shit out of their ass, man. It’s a tabloid.” Jared dropped the paper on the table. “Don’t sweat it, man. I’ll complain to the editor or whatever, get ’em to retract—”

“No,” Jensen said, suddenly.

“What?” Jared blinked, confused. “Whaddaya mean _no_?”

“Better that I’m overweight and pining for Danneel than pregnant, right?” Jensen said, offering Jared a twitchy, nervous smile. “ _Right_?”

Jared tilted his head. “Dude . . . Would Danneel even play along?”

“ ’Course she would,” Jensen said, a little too eagerly and loudly for Jared’s liking.

Jared wrinkled his nose like a rabbit and tilted his head. “Why do I not believe you?” 

-

“There’s _no way_ in hell I’m doing that.” Danneel threw up her hands and pivoted away from Jensen, high heels clicking on the tile.

Jensen followed after her, reaching out for her. “Danny, come on, it’s the only—”

“No, Jensen. I’m not going to be your sham wife!” She stopped pacing and stared him down, hands on her hips.

“But I thought you _wanted_ to get married!” he protested.

“I _do_! But not like this!” She threw up her hands again and let out a frustrated, strangled noise.

Jared poked his head in. “Is it safe to come in yet?”

“Sure,” Danneel said coolly. “I was just leaving.” She grabbed her purse and keys off the counter and shot Jensen a withering look. “Call me later, okay? Once you’ve come to your senses, that is.” Danneel turned on her heel and stalked out, slamming the door behind her.

Jared emerged from the doorway and headed for the fridge. “What was _that_ all about?” he asked, even though he knew. He’d eavesdropped on the important parts of the conversation.

Jensen sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. “You were right. She doesn’t want to marry me,” he moaned.

Jared grabbed a container of Sunny D and twisted off the cap. “Can’t really blame her,” he said, chugging from the container. “It’s not exactly the most romantic of situations, you know what I mean?” He wiped his mouth into the crook of his elbow, replaced the cap and put the container back in the fridge.

“ _Now_ what do I do?” Jensen leaned back against the counter and slid a hand over his belly.

Jared opened his mouth, _I think you’re kind of screwed_ on the tip of his tongue. But that wasn’t what came out. “Get Genevieve to marry you.”

Jensen blinked at him, gape-mouthed. “ _What_?”

“No, hear me out! It’s the perfect ruse!”

“The tabloids all think _you’re_ dating her!” Jensen said.

“Fuck the tabloids. Gen likes you, she might play along and then you can totally get divorced once the baby’s born. I mean, the rags already think she’s pregnant anyways.”

“That is a _terrible_ idea,” Jensen said.

Jared stared at him. “Why? It’s the perfect solution!”

“Because I don’t love Genevieve. I love _Danneel_ ,” Jensen said.

“A lot of people have gotten married for worse reasons, Jensen.”

“No, I’m pretty sure this is the worst reason to be getting married.” Jensen gestured to his midsection.

He had a point there. “Well, okay, sure.”

**Author's Note:**

> The author of this piece intends no insult, slander, or copyright infringement, and is not profiting from this work. This story is a complete work of fiction and does not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. This is for entertainment purposes only. If you found this story while Googling your name or the names of your friends, hit the back button now.


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